haiku hotspot.

a few christmas flavored haikus.

2008-12-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

falalalala-
fels with hummus and garlic
paste are festive, right?

dad, why does this toy
have blood, hair, and crime scene tape
all over it? dad?

remember, never
confuse stockings with stalkings.
now, leggings are cool.

according to the
santa clause, bearded men's laps
are ok for now.

'twas the night before
big j's birthday. he got drunk
and unleashed a plague.

These are the questions that haunt me

2008-11-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

Is it such a crime

to forfeit all dignity

and save the carpet?

All things considered

2008-11-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

So I drank my own

vomit. Big deal. Could be worse.

Could be frito pie.

another voting haiku

2008-11-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

go vote tomorrow!
or shut the f up for the
next 4 years, got it?

a voting haiku

2008-10-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

you can vote early,
or vote on november 4th.
just get off your ass.

duty.

2008-10-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

turtle heads popping
are warning signs... nevermind.
oops, i crapped myself.

a brief haiku

2008-10-13T08:12:00.001-07:00

what's up with undie
technology? stench defense?
what's up with that, hanes?

Lycra is not your friend

2008-10-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

Summer's Eve got it

wrong. Tropical Rain? No, thanks

I'll take Frito Pie

High stakes game

2008-10-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'll see your ironic
love of Dio. Raise you
my genuine one

Boomer Sooner!

2008-10-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Is that a longhorn

I spy on your tee? Uh-oh

Bad weekend for you

2008-10-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

They say that girls should

not write haikus. I say that's

Matsuo bullshit.

word

2008-10-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

thanks andrew for this
invitation to haikus.
abracadabra.

2008-10-10T00:22:00.000-07:00

What was that band called?

God, they were just so awesome

Oh, yeah! Soul II Soul

2008-10-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

Testing one two three

Can I post a haiku now?

Alright. Let's do this.

indian food haikus

2008-10-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

i would subscribe to
Masala Monthly if the
pages were flavored.

naan a naan a naan
naan a naan a naan a naan
a gettin' jiggy.

lentils finally
get the respect they deserve.
let's build a daal house.

so many spices,
so many samosas...(moan)
no, that's just chutney.

state fair of texas haikus.

2008-10-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

oh, big tex, you cad.
the statue of liberty
spilled all of the beans.

sea of vomit, ahhh!
spinny rides are for dumb kids!
sea of vomit, ahhh!

cotton candy and
turkey leg residue cause
me to eat fingers

turkey leg for brunch,
turkey leg for lunch. turkey
legs, turkey legs, munch!

sea of vomit, ahhh!
far too many turkey legs!
sea of vomit, munch!?

Even More Economic Haiku

2008-09-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

Two coworkers just left

By "left" I mean "fuckin sacked"

I know that I'm next.

If my market dies

I can probably sell crack

No rich folks for coke.

Third-world status cash

Taxpayers bailing out fat cats

Worse off than our 'rents

Self Immolation

for bankers makes me smile

Dollars are kindling

economic haikus

2008-09-30T07:12:00.001-07:00

supply and demand
go hand in hand together
unless it's canned farts

seven billion bucks
for bailing flailing lenders.
hello, canada.

emo kids today
confuse 'the great depression'
with a damn good time.

voting haikus

2008-03-04T14:42:00.001-08:00

everything is
bigger in texas. oh yes,
even our (cauc)us.

the glorious return of db poet

2008-02-25T19:01:00.000-08:00

'ey pretty lady
iz you pregnant? cuz day-um!
thicky thicky thick!

yo, i 'pologize:
i'm sorry 4 misusin'
yo colon like that.

animal haikus.

2008-02-08T06:56:00.000-08:00

on zebras
black and white stripes make
horses look like referees.
i stole syllables.

on chimpanzees
opposable thumbs
put to good use by flinging
feces (nanner poop).

on cows
no matter how hard
i try, i can't resist beef.
this is a moot point.

on unicorns
i am outraged and
opposed to ponies who get
plastic surgery.

on ferrets
not sure what to think
of elongated rodents.
rats can mate with snakes?

One-shot

2008-01-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

Haiku are easy

but sometimes they don't make sense

Refrigerator

Hydrocephalic.

Hydrocephalic, I say!

Hydrocephalic.

There once was a man,

from Nantucket, oh no!

I'm in the wrong blog!

Oh Google, Google

voice activation please!

"Google, find me porn!"

On Roman Numerals

2008-01-26T18:53:00.000-08:00

Vicodin. Or, wait.
Six Codeine. Is that right? Please
Take the Jack from me.

guest haiku from db

2008-01-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

Guest poet db weighs in with some paronomasiac reflections:

     She loved my sonnets,
I thought, 'til she said to me:
     "Kid, it's all been Donne."

Then he tests the suppleness of the form (& gives us a touch of whiplash) with some envelope-pushing vulgarity (linguistic & otherwise):

     bitches hos 'n tricks
thatz all women iz 2 me
     (God, I'm so alone.)

What's interesting about the above is the way that the supposedly dominant voice of the first two lines—the internet-inflected tones of today's disaffected youth—gives way in the final line to the conventionally capitalized & enduring voice of loneliness—which, though the poet may try to suppress it (the parentheses here are doing some tense work), is what finally emerges from the constantly-shifting morass of internet-lingo.

In the last haiku of this set, db returns to some good old-fashioned sentiments that surely we the people can get behind (or in front of!):

     When she smiled at me
A voice from my heart sang out,
     "LOOK AT THEM TITTIES!!!!!"

It's as though db tempts us with the density that lies just beneath the surface of his tersest work—which is remarkably suited to the haiku as form—only to retract it forcibly in numbers like these, which defy our instincts as literary critics (though one notes, even here, the recurrence of the "multiple voices" theme, as the "voice from my heart" offers up a critique of the situation to hand that runs counter to what we—& perhaps db is here gesturing not only toward our readerly expectations but allying us forcibly with the first line's "primary" voice—have learned to expect from cliché like the smile of a [pretty] girl. Smiles & beauty go together under the conventional poetic idiom, but db challenges our received notions of what a smile can signify).

We're pleased with db's contributions & hope to read more of his work in the future.

—c.

between pretension & pretentiousness

2008-01-24T11:51:00.000-08:00

Fingerprints on glass:
one wipes them away once, twice—
but it's still raining.

—c.

extraterrestrial haikus.

2008-01-21T15:00:00.001-08:00

on a recent ufo sighting.
went to stephenville,
looking for a u.f.o.
only found cow flop.
(a.t.)

on alien existence.
aliens exist!
i swear! look man! i have proof!
this probe is itchy.
(a.t.)

on rescue.
sigourney weaver,
i beseech you! please save us
from martian outlaws!
(a.t.)

on regional demeanor.
outerspace beings
from uranus are a bunch
of spacious assholes.
(a.t.)

on alien literature.
martian of venice
was shakespeare's private project.
so was ham(l)E.T.
(a.t.)

on wookies.
if wookies really
exist, we are in for some
large piles of crap.
(a.t.)

i-35 haikus

2008-01-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

(most of these ended up being about me peeing in a bottle on the road...
i'm sorry).

on the urge to relieve myself.
bumpy highway stretch
causes some pee to come out.
where is that bottle?
(a.t.)

on bad highway bathroom manners.
why am i gun-shy?
it's the trucker staring down
from his big rig.
(a.t.)

on waco, tx.
Jesus on Brazos
Waco needs a wakeup call
Jesus on Jose
(a.t.)

on west, tx.
yo, czech this out, son.
the town of West lies east of
i-thirty five, yo.
(a.t.)

on alternative road rage methods.
hey, you, S.U.V.
thanks for cutting me off, ass.
here comes my piss can.
(a.t.)

meat haikus

2008-01-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

on ham.
tasty, tasty ham,
are you offended by Spam,
your bastard offspring?
(a.t.)

on steak.
i wish i could eat
you every night and day.
i would marry you.
(a.t.)

on porkchops.
if i were jewish,
i would not discriminate.
nevermind kosher.
(a.t.)

on ribs.
i have been tempted
to remove and grill my own.
doctors disapprove.
(a.t.)

technology haikus.

2008-01-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

on robots.
i tremble in fear
when metal footsteps draw near.
magnet gun, PROTECT!
(a.t.)

on mousepads.
not sure if this counts
as technology, but i
am opposed to mice.
(a.t.)

on software.
there is nothing plush
about metallic cds
rubbing against flesh.
(a.t.)

on "i".
iif i isee
inother item iwill
instantly ignite.
(a.t.)

on cell-phones.
zack morris died from
lugging around a cell-boat
thanks, technology.
(a.t.)

food haikus.

2008-01-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

on hotdogs.
oh, mystery meat
meet my stomach with fury
furry creature taste.
(a.t.)

on pumpkins.
jack-o-lantern meat
"i wish someone would cut me."
you are so emo.
(a.t.)

on nanners.
i mean bananas
b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
this shit is nanners.
(a.t.)

on cucumbers.
don't lie to yourself.
grocery store fantasy
golden girl love gourd.
(a.t.)